The Man Flu
The Man Flu – what is it? Is it real? How do I not get it? Once I have it, how do I treat it? Hi. This is Daddy Tim and I’m here to guide you to all the important things you need to know about the man flu.
The man flu is no ordinary flu. It is a super flu a product of centuries of evolution of the regular flu. It is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of flus or for a more up to date pop reference – it is the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson of flus. Or it is the Golden State Warriors of the flu – it will eventually beat you.
The man flu affects men, but not all men. It only affects men who are responsible. These are the men holding down jobs, patiently waiting for you when you shop for shoes, and doing everything they can to provide. Deadbeat dads, irresponsible guys, no income no jobs or assets, NINJAS, are immune to the man flu. They can only catch the regular run of the mill easily curable flu.
When you catch the man flu it feels like dying. Actually it’s worse than dying because you don’t die. Your whole body aches – your muscles and bones and internal organs you didn’t even know existed. You feel cold but you’re sweating because your body is being burnt by the flames of hell. And your woman will say, “But your temperature is below 38 you don’t even have a fever”. Ladies, we don’t go by body temperature, we go by feelings.
You also lose your appetite. And your woman will get jealous of this, “You’re so lucky you’re losing so much weight. Ride it out!” Ladies, that is so insensitive. Losing weight is the last thing on our minds when every single cell in our body is crying from the pain.
To make things worse, most women will even question the reality of the man flu. “Man flu isn’t even real.” Really, ladies? Is PMS real? Is the pain of child birth real? Of course it’s real! Why would we make it up? It’s not like we’re running away from our responsibilities.
A lot of you are asking, so if the man flu is real, how come women don’t get it?
Let me give you the scientific explanation. The man flu virus only attacks the Y chromosome. Since women only have the X chromosome, they can never catch the man flu. It’s the same reason why men can’t give birth. Because biologically we cannot.
So how do we prevent ourselves from being affected by the man flu?
First, you have to get the flu shot. Guys, there’s a small chance you might actually get the flu with the flu shot but it’s still worth it. Would you rather deal with a weakened cockroach or a full strength flying cockroach?
Second, exercise and eat right. Take your vitamins.
Third, avoid getting rained on. With our abrupt weather changes from hot to rainy, our immune system can become weak especially when a light drizzle dampens your head and you enter an air-conditioned room. Stay dry and stay healthy.
Last, avoid stress. That means, ladies, don’t shop.
In the unfortunate event that you do catch the man flu, here’s how you treat it:
- Avoid all forms of work – you are exempted from all responsibilities
- Drink lots and lots of water and juice
- Watch a lot of NETFLIX
That’s essentially all you need to know about the man flu. So to the men out there, stay healthy because the world needs you to keep providing. I salute all of you unsung heroes and may you never ever have to experience the wrath of the man flu.